May 22, 2006

Stray Thoughts from a Stray Cat

[1] Believe it or not, I really haven't put a whole lot of thought into a piece detailing (or even outlining) all the long-suffering problems the Cubs have had --and can expect to continue having-- with their recently reactivated right-hander, Kerry "Shooting Star" Wood. Ahh, but if I did have something on the subject, you can easily guess what my title for it would be. Yep: "The Knock On Wood."

[2] Last Thursday, I guess, was Hitchhiker's Day. Sorry I didn't get you anything. Actually, it may only have been a holiday in western Nevada. I saw five hitchhikers in a stretch of about 130 miles between Fernley and Winnemucca. Only two of them had that hairy, greasy, talks-to-people-who-aren't-there look, so apparently America is producing a better grade of drifter these days.

[3] It's what we call a circular argument, Georgie...
"Trust me. I know I haven't given you any reason to trust me, except for saying, 'trust me,' but trust me when I tell you, 'you can trust me.'"
See what I mean?

[4] More proof that we are going the way of the Romans: New Orleans just reelected Mayor Ray "Puddin'head" Naggin, who diddled while his city drowned.

[5] Hey, look at that: This Blinkin' Administration is using the high price of gasoline to leverage permission to drill in the Arctic National... Oh, wait, no, that's not quite right. They are using the high price of gas to get permission for their companies to drill... No, that's not it, either. They are using the ungodly price of gasoline to get permission for the companies they "used to" work for (*wink-wink* *blink-blink*) to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Show of hands: Is there anybody, anybody at all, who didn't see that coming from about three light-years away? No? Didn't think so.

[6] For [of Nazareth's] sake, people, why do you think they call it American Idol? It's purpose is to make American brains idle.

[7] America Nidol.

[8] Dick "Shoot First and Don't Answer Questions Later" Cheney.

[9] I struggled away from Lake Point Junction, Utah, not unlike the space shuttles clear the launch pad at Cape Kennedy: Shivering and shuddering and rivet rattling, impressive horsepower straining to heave impressive tonnage into motion from out of a deep well of stagnant inertia. I knew I was faster than the guy I was chasing, but he had one hell of a head start and it was only twenty miles to the city limits. I started gaining, but there was a sharp curve ahead. I would have to back off the throttle considerably or risk pitching my load to one side-- maybe even rolling the truck over. I didn't know how much he'd have to slow down, if at all. In any case, he'd have the inside track. I slowed before I got there, then accelerated when I was about a third of the way through-- textbook. I hadn't lost much time. Slowly, I started gaining on him again. I was going to win! As I eased past, I ran my passenger's-side window down and waved... to the engineer.

[10] George W. "The Smirking Marionette" Bush took office saying, "Ahm uh you-nahter, naht uh div-vahder." I'm beginning to believe you, Georgie. The way things are going, in another couple of years, everybody --and I mean everybody-- will be "unahted" in thinking you're an incompetent, self-serving little pinhead. Congratulations.

[11] How ya doin', Howard?

[12] You know you're having a bad day when you realize that you've been sleeping for several hours right next to a truck that is placarded "radioactive" and you can't find the gumption to move.

[13] Bud "Why, Yes: I Am Running Out of Ideas" Selig must go.

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