May 8, 2006

Life's Little Ups and Downs


From: Men everywhere.

To: All those women who continue to insist that a toilet seat has a "natural" or "proper" or even a "default" setting. Namely, down.

Subject: Get over yourself.

Seriously, get over yourself. We're sick of hearing it. It's childish. There are two very good reasons why I don't give a flying rat's [donkey] that you need the toilet seat down...

(1) Because you don't give a bat's ball that --more times than not-- I need it up. Nor should you.

(2) This has got to be, without question, The Single Most Trivial and Patently Ridiculous topic that your gender has ever come up with to collectively complain about. Really, it's beneath you... and not just physically. Consider all the very real issues pertaining to gender relations in the twenty-first century and then ask yourselves: Is this really what I want to make a big deal about? Is this the way I'm going to choose to distract people from the things we really need to be discussing?

To continue to harp on what you consider to be proper toilet seat ettiquette is a discredit and a disservice to women everywhere. So stop it.

...Because, guess what? Sometimes I walk into the bathroom and find that the toilet seat isn't where I need it to be, either. How do you think that makes me feel? Do you ever think of that? No. Why just the other day, I walked into the bathroom to, uh, "be a whiz kid," and found the toilet seat down! Down! Can you believe that? I think I handled it like a man, though: I collapsed on the floor, curled my, uh, robust body into a fetal position, stuck my thumb in my mouth and wet my pants.

Think I overreacted? Good. Because if I actually had done that, it wouldn't be much more unreasonable that your continued insistance that I make sure to leave the commode set "appropriately" for your use.

Now, here's what I really did...

Step One: I didn't care. I mean, I hardly even thought about it. Hey, I'm as paranoid as anybody and way into symbolism, but I have never, ever looked upon the position of a toilet seat and thought, "That [gripe] is out to get me. This is a clear and powerful statement about my relative worth." Never thought that. Maybe I'm dense.

Step Two: I wanted the seat up, so... I... flipped... it... up. It was surprisingly easy! And it didn't take very long. And, once again, I hardly even thought about it. Really. It takes literally less than one-third of the time and mental and physical energy to flip the toilet seat up or down than it does to type the words "flip it up or down." So stop acting like it's the end of the world.

Step Three: I used the toilet. I'll spare you the details, because --contrary to all appearances-- I'm actually a pretty nice guy.

Step Four: I finished. I flushed. I washed my hands. I left. And I didn't give the commode a second thought... just like you don't give it a second thought when you're finished using it. So come down off your high horse.

Addendum: Now, ladies, if you want to talk about cleanliness, I'll back you up... Gentlemen --if I may use that term-- if you make ANY sort of mess in, on or around the toilet --or anywhere else in the bathroom, for that matter-- clean it up, [Richard Cranium]! You're makin' us all look bad.
P.S... Bud "Come On Down To Bud's, Where I'll Do Anything To Make A Sale" Selig must go.


smussyolay said...

yes...but we don't piss on the seat, so you don't have to touch nasty pubic hairs or piss to lift the seat up. also, when guests come by, and the seat is down, they just see a toilet seat. when it is UP, they get to see all sorts of disgusting things. not to mention that if the seat is down, you run no risk of falling in. it's just a common courtesy/politeness thing to put the seat down. just like your mom hopefully taught you not to burp at the table at someone else's house.

(i have a new roommate and he keeps leaving the seat up....!!)

One F said...

I just pee in the shower. Problem solved.

Killre said...


It's nice to know you're so hygenic, smussy. Not all women are. I've seen plenty of [urine] and "nasty pubic hairs" left on toilet seats by women, so out goes THAT argument. Also, our lifting of the seat PREVENTS that sort of thing from happening to it. As for "all sorts of disgusting things," I do believe I addressed the issue of cleaning up one's mess.